Never stop being nice. Do cold-hearted, money-hungry, foul-mouthed, rude and crude shmucks get ahead every day? Of course they do. After all, they’re cold-hearted, money-hungry, foul-mouthed, rude and crude shmucks. You’re always gonna see your typical assholes pushing to the front of the line in an amusement park, teaching their kids that that’s the right thing to do. Sorry, but it’s a fact of life. But I want you to think long and hard about something. For the most part (and I’m not talking about an extreme case of someone punching you in the face or pushing your grandma down a flight of stairs) don’t you notice niceness before you notice nastiness? I know I definitely do. I’ll explain...
When I hold a door for someone at work, and they don’t say “Thank you,” sure, I curse their lives for about ten seconds and wonder what the world is coming to, but then my brain automatically feels stupid because my tirade is almost always interrupted by someone saying “Good morning” or “How are you today?” or “Pretty top.” Anyway, my point is that as much as I love being cynical, sometimes I just can’t follow through with it. I guess I'm just so used to people being mean that I am that much happier when they are nice. And that’s what made me come to this conclusion: I am always going to be nice.
Now, when I say "nice," I don’t mean I’m going to be a pushover. Because, after all, everyone knows that there is a key difference between the definitions of “nice” and “pushover.” People who are nice smile, as I’ve said, they hold doors, they are friendly; they are often warm and can be confided in. Pushovers, on the other hand, are generally considered to be weak and spineless. They will do anything you ask of them, redefining the phrase “Can you do me a favor?” to basically mean “I know you’re going to do me this favor, there’s just a matter of how quickly.” I have never been a pushover and I don’t see myself crossing that border in the near future. However, I also don’t see myself crossing the other border, either – into the Land of Assholeness. You see, while it is not on any current maps, the Land of Assholeness is a huge, but lonely, place where cranky people live. Just like those crazy fanatics who want to convert the entire world to their “great” religion at any cost, these Crankies (as they’re known for short) wake up miserable, and feel the need to anything in their power to ensure that everyone around them becomes just as miserable as they are. The Crankies don’t say “Thank you,” they let doors slam in other people’s face, and they say things like, “Ugh, I hate that show. You actually watch that garbage?” when you tell them about your favorite TV show.
Most people think that most Crankies are old – but that just isn’t the case anymore. Sure, it’s true that you have your fair share of elderly Crankies – and probably for good reason. It must be hard to wake up at 4AM, take eight or nine pills for God only knows what failing organs, and then sit outside and watch people with firm skin and tight asses jog by you with their non-sagging breasts/pecks bouncing and non-white hair blowing in the breeze. Personally, I’ve always been jealous of old people. I mean, think about it. They don’t have to go to work because the government just sends them money every week, their house and car are paid off, they have no more kids to raise, they don’t have to worry about the keeping up with the latest fashions or hitting up the latest clubs because, let’s face it, people are just proud of them for not dying yet. They really don’t even have to get up from the front porch or from in front of the TV all day if they didn’t want to. And then there’s the whole Depends thing. What a life. They should be happy.
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